Kings, Clerics, and Revolutionaries: The European Absolutism Circus

Dive into the Delirious World of Politico-Religious Brawls and Discover How a Handful of Bigwigs Made Europe Dance on Tiptoe.

When Absolute Power Wasn’t Just a Great Idea for a TV Series 

Alright, let’s get comfy and chat about how it all started, because let’s face it, every good drama has a spectacular beginning. Absolutism didn’t just pop up overnight. Nope, my friends, it was a slow evolution, like turning your worst enemy into your best friend—only here, the ultimate prize was absolute power.

Picture a Middle Ages where kings were a bit more than figureheads, pretty to parade around but with less decision-making power than a bartender at a village fest. Now, throw in the plague, a few civil wars, and a dash of foreign invasion. What do you get? A bunch of nobles and local princes starting to think, "Hey, maybe we can do better."

But that's not all. Because when we talk about absolutism, we're talking about an explosive cocktail: power centralized in the hands of one person, as if they were the only DJ at the party. And who wouldn’t want to control the playlist? Enter the monarchs, beginning to hoard powers like they were Pokémon. "Oh, a wild judicial power appears! Monarch uses Hoard. It’s super effective!"

The fun really starts when these kings begin to declare themselves divinely appointed. Yep, they even brought heaven into it! "God wants me to rule," they’d say, as they passed laws that made them seem more out of control than a teenager with an unlimited credit card.

In all of this, who loses out? The common people, obviously. While the monarchs danced their power dance, the subjects could only hope that the king du jour didn’t get a wild idea after a night out. And so, my friends, from the high drama and chaos of the Middle Ages, absolutism was born: a system where the king was the boss, the supreme judge, and sometimes even the main entertainer if the court got boring.

And you thought your Mondays were tough.

Religion or politics? In Europe, it was the national sport to choose sides

So, once the kings got a taste of absolute power, do you think everything went smoothly like butter? No way. Enter the real stormy marriage of the era: politics and religion. A combo more explosive than two exes at your wedding.

Here’s how it worked: the monarchs, those sly foxes, figured out that having God on their side was not just good for the image but pretty much a free pass to do whatever they wanted. "God wills it!" became the perfect excuse to invade neighboring countries, tax the poor to their last penny, or even just to decide what color socks were fashionable that season.

But it wasn’t all that simple. Every corner of Europe had its own version of "Team God." There were the Catholics, the Protestants, and every now and then, some new group popped up claiming they had a new direct line to the Almighty. Imagine all of this like a soccer match where every team swears they’re playing for the divine trophy. Only instead of a ball, they used armies. And the trophy? Complete control over territories and people’s souls. No big deal, right?

But watch out, because when you mix religion with politics, things heat up more than a Spanish soap opera. Kings and emperors used religion as both a shield and a sword. It protected them from low blows and allowed them to strike at neighbors when needed. "Oh, you’re attacking me? You’re attacking God, buddy. Good luck with that."

And like any good soap opera worth its salt, there were plots, betrayals, and dramatic turnarounds. One day you're friends with the neighboring king because you pray to the same God, the next day you find out he’s burned down three of your churches and you’ve got a new crusade on your hands. Ah, those were the days!

Throughout this mayhem, Europe became the arena of a continuous power struggle, with religion not exactly playing the role of an impartial referee. These politico-religious conflicts shaped what we now know as Europe, through bloodshed, unlikely alliances, and, of course, a ton of drama.

And you thought choosing between pizza and sushi was tough!

Heroes, Saints, and Sinners: The Stars of the Absolutist Drama You Can’t Miss

Ah, European history: a stage filled with characters as colorful as a carnival parade, except instead of throwing confetti, they threw armies. Let’s look at some of the most fascinating and absurd protagonists of this epochal drama.

The Sun King, aka Louis XIV of France

Starting with a classic, the Sun King. The man who pretty much invented the concept of "if I don't shine bright enough, add more gold." Louis XIV turned France into a showcase of royal power, so much so that even the sun, poor thing, had to ask his permission to rise. This king didn’t just rule; he staged his reign as if it were a permanent theatrical production, with himself as the absolute star. "L'État, c'est moi," he said, which translated from ancient French means "Everyone shut up, I’m in charge."

Elizabeth I of England

Then there’s our Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen who didn’t need a man by her side, possibly because she was too busy managing a nation and keeping the whole of Europe in check. She managed to transform England from a minor kingdom into a global power, and she did all this while making enemies as we make breakfast. Spies, intrigues, secret loves? Elizabeth had them all in her realm, and she still found time to keep Mary Queen of Scots in line when she got too annoying.

Catherine de' Medici

Let’s not forget Catherine de' Medici, the queen mother who had more plots going than most of us have appointments in our calendars. Italian by birth, French by adoption, this woman knew how to pull the strings of power. She managed her sons like pawns on a very bloody chessboard, orchestrating marriages, alliances, and, when necessary, a few courtesy assassinations.

Philip II of Spain

Lastly, there’s Philip II of Spain, the man who looked at the Atlantic and saw only a vast opportunity to plant Spanish flags. His empire was so vast that it was said the sun never set on it. Philip loved three things: gold, religion, and sending Invincible Armies to take baths in English waters. Too bad those armies often turned out not so invincible.

Each one of these characters helped weave the rich, complicated, and often absurd tapestry of absolutist Europe. With twists, personal dramas, and a bit of catastrophic management, they made history much more interesting. And you thought your family was complicated!

Lessons from the Past: How to Survive Without WiFi and Not Get Poisoned 

What can we learn from our power-thirsty ancestors? Besides the fact that a good sword and a friend in the Vatican could work miracles, maybe not much.

So, after revisiting this theater of monarchs, intrigues, and power struggles that would make even the best episode of "Game of Thrones" blush, what do we take away? Well, maybe some lessons are always there, even if they're hidden under tons of velvet and plots.

First, absolute power is a pretty heavy drug. The more you have, the more you want. And as any good binge-watcher knows, each season needs to get more complicated and the scandals more scandalous. Our royal friends were no different; they had a thirst for power that never quenched, and to keep it, they were willing to do almost anything. And by "almost anything," I mean even inventing that God had put them there personally, which, let’s face it, is a genius marketing move.

Then, never underestimate the power of religion as a political tool. If you think today’s politics are spectacular, you should have seen it when they brought the afterlife into it. Nothing like a good old threat of eternal damnation to keep the subjects in line or to justify a nice holy war.

But wait, there's more. This romp through absolutism and politico-religious conflicts also teaches us a bit of humility. Seeing how willing they were to fight, sometimes literally to the death, for their beliefs or the throne, makes you reflect on how lucky we are to live in times and places where, for the most part, we can express our opinions without ending up on the gallows.

So, the next time you complain because the WiFi is slow or because the bar made your cappuccino without that nice foam you like so much, remember Louis XIV and his buddies. At least you don’t have to manage a kingdom while trying to avoid having your wife, your brother, or the pope poison your wine. Unless, of course, you have a particularly competitive family.

In conclusion, a toast (with non-poisoned wine, hopefully) to our complicated ancestors. Thanks for the dramas, the lessons, and above all, for giving us so much to talk about. Cheers!

Why I Recommend It

I recommend diving into politico-religious struggles because, let’s face it, who doesn’t love a good old scandal tempered with a bit of heresy?

Why I Don’t Recommend It

I don’t recommend diving into politico-religious struggles if your idea of a good time is a quiet evening watching reality shows. Here, we’re talking about intrigue with a capital I.